Dear Love guru,

I am from Singapore. And My english wasn't very good...
I am 23 yrs soon 24.
I have this problem where if i like a girl, i will avoid her.

i knew this 23 yrs old chinese girl who is malaysian 5 years ago in poly (year2003). during 1st year 2nd semester in polytechnic, i confessed to her that i like her in MRT, she stunned for a while, don't know what to say, then she shaked her head left and right without saying anything. Until then, i don't dare to talk to her much. 3 years later (year 2006), when we were almost graduate from our course, i wrote a testimonial to all my friends, including, telling her that i still like her through a website i created for my classmates when each individual needs to login to view the testimonial.

Within days, she replied with a long email, more than 1000 words most likely, talking about how she fears of crowd, and her concerns and difficulties coming to singapore and study/work, talking about her friends and also stated sometime during polytechnic she does likes me too. I was rather touched because this is the first girl who tells she likes me. But again, due to my relationship phobia of liking someone but yet, don't dare to talk to her face to face or asking her out, i did nothing at all after that email. Soon after graduated from polytechnic, i went to NS. During this 2 years, all this while, we keep contact in email in a 3 monthly basis.

In year Aug 2008, one of my friend as well as her friend's wedding party (The same friend we know of), and she was the bridemaid. Don't know why, this time round, after 2 years without meeting face to face, i am able to approach her and said hi first, asking her how is she. A bit chit chat and jokes during the wedding cemonary. After my friend wedding, one of my good male friend, me and her have to make a 15 minutes walk in a slient, dark, one way street to the busstop. Again i had the chance to do some chitchat, as well as in the bus. Soon reached to a MRT station, i gave her a handshake for farewell and we went different direction.

Since then, i had been thinking about her again till now.

Because i have seen alot of breaking-up-couples, divorces in my life, two-timer or three-timer, and i am also have commitment phobia, i have been thinking what happen if we are really together, will we break up. What happened if we are married, will we divorces. I am quite confident that i have the gut to confess to her again, maybe not face to face, but through email. I am not because fear of rejection but my concern is more on those bad memories we may have if we are being together. I don't wish to destory the wonderful image of her - *if one day after we break up, i may hate her to core. -

I was thinking, althought i like her, however i really don't know her very well, on the appearance, she is wonderful to me, but is she a two timer, is she a 2 face personality, is she a person who toy people's feeling, is she a great spender,... etc, or maybe totally different from what i suppose to expect...

Should i confess again or remains single to retain the wonderful memories of her? Is single better for me rather than getting into relationship?

CHUNG HONG

Hi Chung Hong,

I can understand your phobia of getting into a relationship and it might be difficult for you to overcome that on your own. To me, life has it's ups and downs so if we are always afraid of the downs, we will miss all the ups as well. Everything is the same. Does it mean you don't go and take your exams because you know you might fail? Or are you afraid of car accidents and you don't dare to take cars?

For all relationships, nobody can guarantee that it will 100% work. Everyone make their own judgement on the person they chose and try their best to make it work. If it works, good for them and if not, they move on with life. Though I should warn you it's an important choice to make. Thus, you should get to know the person more first before deciding on anything. From what you said, I don't think you know the girl very well so why not take this chance to know her better? After that, you can then decide if both of you are compatible or not or if she is the girl you want to share your life with.

Without taking the first step, nothing will happen. All the best and let me know the outcome ok?

A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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5 Aug 08, 14:44
Simran: Hi, luv guru, I am in some trouble and i have some quries too.

5 Aug 08, 14:48
Simran: Actually, I am in love wid someone his name is Raj, he loves me a lot and me too, our relation is four years old, bt there is sum problem or misunderstanding, till march 2008 had a gud relation.

5 Aug 08, 14:52
Simran: than a guy who want to mary him come into my life his name is Gaurav, bt i refuse his proposal, thn suddently i accept dat. coz raj and i we hadd physical relation and i no he does nt want to marry me

5 Aug 08, 15:32
Simran: due to his parents or his ego problem, thats why i decide 2 marry wid Gaurav. raj is cumng 2 my life n he said 2 marry me. i tell him all Gaurav. Raj said 'i hav sum physical relation wid him.

5 Aug 08, 15:34
Simran: bt its nt true, i dont hav any relation nor physical neigther mentaly, i am just wid him for my future secure, nw we hav dispute, he used abusing language always, bt i stll luv Raj, i leave Gaurav, bt

5 Aug 08, 15:36
Simran: till raj dont understand me, nw we break-up. bt i dont want dat he always thing i am prosetute, i am sincere wid my luv, plz help me out, hw i can 4get him? i luv him n he too, he also hurt.plz luvgur

Hi Simran,

Your story does seems a bit complicated to me and I am not sure I get the right picture. You were with Raj for 4 years and have physical intimate relationship with him but he doesn't want to marry you because of parents and ego problem? May I know what ego problem? Then you met Gaurav and he wanted to marry you. You agreed initially and later decided to leave him and go back to Raj. Yet Raj is accusing you of having physical relationship with Gaurav and quarrel with you often and broke up with you? He also thinks you are a prostitute? Now you still love him and want to forget him? Am I right?

If what I said above is the right interpretation, then it's only right for you to forget Raj and move on with your life. He does not deserve your love since he thinks you are a prostitute and do not trust you (since he suspects your relationship with Gaurav). Anyway, his family and ego problems will not allow him to marry you so there's no future for both of you. Please move on and find someone like Gaurav who love you and willing to give you a future. However, you must make sure that you love him also and not just because you want a substitute for Raj. Ok?

A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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Dear luvguru,

I have to let you understand that I'm only 16, but I've been troubled for a year now, and I really need some real advice other than people telling me to "focus on your studies, more important". Well, I'm not sure where should I start so here it goes. There's this guy classmate of mine, whom has a really really good affinity(?) with girls. Meaning, he seem to be closer friends with girls.

Frankly speaking, I am really no popular/noisy/attention-centered girl in my class and I never really thought we could become such close friends. But until last year June, I don't know why, but we started to be friends. How should I put it, it just came naturally?

Like, he would sit beside me during lessons, borrow notes from me, ask me to copy some stuffs for him etc. Well, feelings can really develop, and to say the truth, I think it all sparked from there. Rumors flew and stuff, but at the same time, he treated me, just like how he treated every single person.

As time flew, he started to open up to me, like sharing all his problems with me. So of course it felt kind of special you know? It's like someone whom you don't know really that well suddenly opens up to you, so from then on, I felt kind of special. But then, I guess that's the way he is, because it seems like he opens up to.. well, everyone.

I guess I did get the attention I want from him at the end, because he started to call me every single night just to ask me simply "Got what homework?" and stuffs. At first, I just gave in to him, and of course we ended up chatting nonsensical stuffs, okay actually he did all the talking.

This continues on until.. today I guess. But of course this year it's become lesser. What exactly is my problem? Well, it's like sometimes I feel like he's making use of me instead. It's like, ask me copy things for him, file things for him etc. Eh, come on, I'm not his only friend? And furthermore, sometimes I really really feel so irritated by his calls I just ignore them. And the thing is, sometimes he gets so demanding, like as if I MUST help him.

To make things worse, I am not very strong on my stand. Because, sometimes he does things that really can.. melt my heart indirectly. And just recently, he sms-ed me at early morning to ask if I've slept yet, when I woke up, I saw the message and I was fuming mad, because I was like thinking, "Eh, confirm ask me got what homework." And to my surprise, he actually told me that he couldn't sleep at that time and was wondering if I'm asleep. Later that afternoon he called me, and again, I ignored his call (even though I felt quite.. bad), so I told him I'm not free to answer his call now. And I thought he will keep calling (like last time), instead he just said, "oh okay wanted to ask you a simple question, never mind you go do your stuffs."

I know it may sound very simple to you, but to me, I feel very.. I don't know. It's like all these while for this year I keep giving him lots of cold shoulders and stuff, and then now like I feel, actually maybe he's really not making use of me.

Sigh, I really don't know how to make this whole situation seem clear to you, and I'm sorry. >.< It's just, I don't know how to express my feelings well I guess. But really, somethings he does to me is really very small and simple and, touches my heart. But sometimes he gets so demanding I feel so irritated by him (like when he will keep begging me to go and study with him), and then after awhile I will think back and ponder again. It's never ending and it seriously is bugging me.

Truth is, I email-ed this to you not because I want to have a happy ending with him or whatsoever, actually I don't know what I want. I don't need to go into a BGR now, and studies are of course still my priority (so no worries), it's just that he's my classmate, and I have to face him every single day, which makes it hard for me to completely avoid him. I really don't know what my feelings for him are and what his feelings for me are too. But, I really don't want to confront him at all, moreover I don't want anyone of us to be affected while preparing for O' levels right?

Could you give me some advices and what you think he is thinking? Because, I really cannot read his mind. One day he seems to be so understanding, caring and everything towards me, and another I feel like he's just taking advantage of me in studies and nothing else. By the way, he never showed me any attitude up till now, though I've already gave him lots of cold shoulder though he always has a way to 'cure' it. >.<

Like I've said, I just don't like this uncertain feeling in me that he's giving me, and I thought secretly loving someone is blessed? Why do I feel like actually I really am too young and really don't know what love is at all? Of course my life doesn't revolve around him, because I do let my girlfriends know this situation too, but I guess they really can't understand what he's thinking as well though most of the time they assure my feelings isn't one-way. Sigh.

Finally, thank you for your precious time in reading this, but I do hope my name remains as my nickname instead of my real one, I would gladly appreciate it if you reply me, because I guess I really need to get this off my chest.

Yours sincerely,
"I-don't-know-love-at-all"

Hi,

Actually you have been very clear in telling me your story and I know very well how you feel.

Firstly, I have to tell you the truth and I hope that you can handle that. My first impression is that this guy is really more like "making use" of you. Are you good in your studies or do you look like very easy going? These are some of the reasons why he chose you instead of others. As you said, he has many friends so why he only ask you for help and not others? You are easier to bully?

I understand that he did small actions to touch you but these are just normal. Since he needs your help in his studies, he has to put in some effort too. Thus, he has to make sure that you are willing to help him and he has to make you "love" him. These explain why sometimes he is so so nice to you. And as a young girl, it's only normal that you fell for him.

However, I do not discount the fact that there might be a teeny weeny bit of chance that he likes you too. Maybe as a friend or maybe as a potential girlfriend. But I am sure that he is either indecisive about it or very passive, thats why he is not taking any action.

There are actually some ways you can dissolve this issue. First is to confront him and ask him what he thinks of you but you have stated that you do not want to confront him. Second way is to ignore him which is what you have been doing. Show him that you are not someone that he can ask for help just like that. I am sure if you ignore him for some time, he will get the hint. If he really likes you, he will then tell you and hopefully you will give him a chance. If he doesn't like you, he will know that he can't depend on you for help and he will choose another person to target on.

Let me know what you intend to do ok? You have to keep a clear mind and not to affect your studies.

A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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i'm Edmund , 19 tis year and i'm a poly student.My gf is 17 and she jus went in ITE 3 months ago. We have quarrel over privacy as i use to check her sms and chatlogs she had even after she told me the truth i still insist of checking. I did tat because She hides stuff from me because no matter if she tells me the truth, i'll still check her stuff making her so breathless as i'm very possessive.She'll also hide stuffs tat will upset me like if a guy pass her some birthday present she'll keep it to herself as she fear i'll get jealous.But to me, she's hiding and not being frank.I broke her promise 3 times not the check her stuff before we almost got tore apart.i cried infront of her countless times and over the phone begging her to stay cos i'm in the wrong. Normally i'll jus drop tears and no sound. but when she say she feel so tired of me and all those. i really did break down. I told i'll change in return i wan her to be frank with me.we use to be very sweet and she'll sms me she miss me, she loves me, she feels the need of meeting me , sweet talks and all. we spend very close intimacy together which includes intercourse at a legal age.Eventually we got back together , i no longer check her sms or anything else. But many guys wanna know her from ITE and even her classmate wanna woo her despite tat she told them she have a bf. Now tat guy will sms her everyday and she'll reply as long as the guy started the sms or reply her. i did told her how i feel when she keep sms-ing even she spend time with me and all but she say she know her limits and ask me not to worry as friends can only be friend nthing more then tat. Close friends will always be jus close friends and nthing much. And told me she loves me.Once she ask her ITE friends out, but only 3 guys went as her bestfriend ( which is a gal same class as her ) is not free. i wanted to tag along as she's the only gal but she rejected me cos it mend to be a friend outing. i feel very uneasy , i trust her but not the guys as i dunno them .I feel i need to give her the space and freedom because i dun wan to tied her down resulting stress to her. but i wan to feel secure-ness from her which she dont give.In 1 hand i need to trust she know her limits and wont do anything bad to hurt me , and on the other hand i feel so lonely when she's not by myside and i need her to make me feel secure ( we use to meet almost everyday ). i did told her tat i dun see her limit with other guys but she say i'm thinking too much because it's jus sms-ing and there's nthing going on.Even when we're having dinner, tat guy will sms her. And i'll like say in a nice way. can put ur phone aside 1st ? enjoy our dinner and later u sms? i've been trying not to interfer with her sms and the guy tat calls her some nights ( tat guy = tat classmate who wanna woo her ).there's even 1 times after i talk to her. i see tat she's very tired and i went home. she did sms me and told me tat she's turning in now and sms her when i reach home. it was 9.15 when i was going home . done my stuff it's like 10.30pm. i presume she's slping but i use my hp to phone her. and i was on the 2nd line. after a calls i've made. she pickup the call and say she's on the line with tat guy talking abt a friend's brithday tml and sounded rather irritated. TO me it's like r u acting to be aslp not picking up my call ?After a talk with her which she didnt say a word like i expected, i feel tat she wan space for herself and friends. But in my heart i dunno how i'm gonna live a day without her by myside. i feel a need to talk to her, know where she is and all. but i cant as she'll get irritated if i keep smsing her.She's also an introvert which dun say out how much she loves me and all and wat so ever. even on blog and friendster or even msn. dun place nthing abt me. i guess even in front of her friends she also wont talk abt me as she feel there's no link somehow. But she did all those writing abt me last time and all the things she did to show ppl she love me on net is fading before she enter ITE.she did tell me tat the classmate likes her and told her thing like " if i know u before ur bf, will i stand a chance?" and " i wanna be gd to u but u have a bf " all tis stuff. this is only wat she told me but there MIGHT be more.She also dun sms me as much as before when she went ITE and she even set somthing like, we meet like 1 3 5 and sunday. Her sms is likely to be -i'm going to sch now mao ( cat in chinese , the way we call ea other ). reach sch sms u muack. love u. - i having break le, u must eat baobao( full in chinese ) later huh. love u- i after sch sms k. muacks love u- i reach home sms u mao. love u heh. something like tat. and i talk to her on phone, i can hear her sms-ing.Any advice u can give to improve my relationship cause i really do love her.. alot..

Hi Edmund,

Firstly, it's not right of you to check on her smses as you have infringed her privacy. I can see that you loves her a lot. But at the same time you might not be loving her the right way.

Also, both of you are so young and thus relationships at this point will not be very stable unless both of you are of a certain maturity level. At the start of the relationship, both of are very enthusiastic and thus it can be very loving and both of you can meet very often. As time goes, the intensity will be lowered and you cannot expect couples who are together for years to behave the same way when they just got attached. Thus, after she started studying in ITE, she probably needs a lot more time on her own to handle her studies and her own circle of friends. You have to learn to accept that.

With guys around her, it's inevitable that she will have guys interested in her. It will be more weird if she tells you nobody is interested in her right? Thus, I find that your girlfriend is quite open and honest with you on most issues. Some of the things she might hide from you because she knows you will get jealous or angry but that doesn't mean she meant to hide it from you.

In order for your relationship to last and for you to show that you really love her, you have to show her that you are matured enough and no longer the small young boy that gets jealous over small trivial stuffs. Tell her that she can go out with her friends so long as she let you know and have enough time for you and her studies. She will be surprised at your change but she certainly will be impressed. You then have to adjust yourself that you cannot expect to meet her so often. To me, couples can meet twice a week and they can still be very loving. Quality time is more important.

Trust me, you have no choice but to trust her. Even if you don't trust her, there's nothing you can do as you can't spy over her 24 hours. By not trusting her, you will only create a greater barrier between the two of you. If she loves you, she will know her own limits.

All the best okie?

A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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4 Feb 08, 18:06

girl: HI GURU! i'm currently 17yrs old going 18. well, have quite a few problems that i cant sort it out myself. hope u can give me some advise (: i'm attached to a NS guy. know him cos we're in the same sec sch & we stay a few blks away. we starting dating abt 1 mth. every sat he book out frm camp, we will always go out till the nxt morning. last sat, he bought me to his hus to wait for him to get changed, aft tat, we went out. he's mom started nagging, saying tat "every sat come out den hang out until morning. TIS IS NT HOTEL! ... somehow, i got feeling tat he's mom is saying it to me. ok, i din take it to heart. tat nite, i asked to go back early but he refused. we hang till 6in da morning den we went back. after a few hrs of slp, we met up again, cos he's gonna book in to camp at night. we went out awhile n went to his hus. he's mom suddenly shout to him "YOU GO TELL HER, DUN COME MY HUS I DUN WELCOME..HER TO MY HUS." was shocked but he ask me nt to take it to heart. while we walk out of the door, she shout to me" I DUN WANNA SEE U ANYMORE, DUN WELCOME U HERE" i was like WTF?! ok, i walked off, i dunno wad he do, i heard smashing things n fighting with his parents, i din bother n walk to my hus. he chased aft me. i feel like an idiot aft tis incident. shag. i feeling like giving up on him. tat nite when he go into camp, he din call or msg me either do i. bt usually we will chat. wad shld i do GURU. =(

Hi girl,

Sorry for the late reply.

I know it's difficult for you and your bf during this period of time as he is serving his NS. Many couples do not survive this stage. For your bf, he should be very stressed over his NS, his mother and you. Thus, both you and his mother should not add on to his stress.

When he book out from camp, I can understand that he wants to spend time with you and not with his mother. That happens to many guys. However, to spend the whole night with you until the next morning is a bit too much also. Reasons being;

1) His mother will think that he is only concern about you and not his family.

2) His mother might be worried what he will doing the whole night with you and what are the consequences given that both of you are so young.

3) He might not have enough rest if he spent the whole night with you and have to book in on sunday night. His mother might also worried about his health and safety in camp if his son is tired.

You have to put yourself in the shoes of his mother. However, it's also not right for his mother to scold you in that manner but I supposed she doesn't know how to communicate to you and even her son. As a good girlfriend, I think you should insist that your bf goes home early to his family so that his mother will not be worried. You will have to sacriface the time you spent with him. In this case, his mother will know that you are a nice girl and might change her attitude towards you, but that will take time.

Another way is to put on hold this relationship first so that your bf can concentrate on serving his NS. Both of you can still be friends and go out occasionally (don't have to be every week). If after his NS both of you still have feelings for each other, then its not too late to be together again.

Whatever your decision, just remember to communicate well to your bf and his family. Is there anyone else you can talk to besides his mother? Any brothers or sisters? It might be easier to work through a 3rd party if both of are are not on speaking terms yet.

Hope that you can sort this out soon. Let me know if you have any other problems.


A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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17 Jan 08, 00:32Nick: Hi.Its The guy from Sgforums.. Could you help me? Its like this.. I 've been drinking for 6 years since 9. I drink to relieve pain from relationship.. hope u could help me.

Hi Nick,

I am assuming that you are referring to drinking alcohol when you are 9 years old? I have a few things to clarify with you before I can answer your question.

What kind of relationship problems you have at 9 years old?

How do you get to have alcohol and how can you afford at 9 years old?

Do you have problems from 9 years old till now?

Basically, I would not recommend drinking as a way to relieve your pain. You can always shift your focus on doing something else. Focus on your study, learn a new hobby, do some reading or listen to new songs etc. Drinking will only temporarily relieve your pain and when you are sober, the problem is still there.

Hope you can stop drinking and channel your energy to doing more meaningful things. You are only 15 years old now and there's so much you can do than to drink!


A Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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20 Dec 07, 05:01Yara: Hi, I'm back well I hope you're still remember' me! my story was about that shy guy with me in the college ,well nothing important happened to be honest , only few more little chats every time we meet. I came back here , cause I guess he started to be interested (well I'm not sure , but he is treating me so nice and he's smiling every time we see each other & I guess he's not doing this because I'm only his sister's friend!) , but I'm not sure if he still has a girlfriend or not ,casue I met his sister few days ago and she told me that unknown girl phoned her over a year , telling her that she likes her brother ! but she is not really sure if he's still in touch with that girl or not !

Hi yara,

Of course I remember you. It's always great to see you all popping by my blog and leaving messages and questions for me.

It seems to be that things might be going well for you. I think it's a good start that at least he seems to be interested and happy to be going out with you. Cherish all these opportunities and make this relationship grow and blossom. Try to understand him better and communicate well with him. This will also let him know you better.

As for the other girl, I don't think you should be too worried about it. So long as the guy is happy going out with you, I think you have a good chance.

So are you dating him for New Year's countdown?

warmest wishes,
The Luv Guru

 - "It doesn't matter who you love, or how you love, but that you love" ... ;

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